Lost

Immaturity and its lack of control I had wanted
to ditch are now the stuff of my deepest regret.
Long lost is youth, integrity, and faith.
I never wanted to be led around by the nose,
shrank from the lash of household chores
like the expected pain of a dentist's drill.

With a focus as narrow as that of old men who
make wars but do not fight them, I birthed
three sons without raising them.
Unable to comprehend a boy's need for a mother
who cooked his favorites or kissed away daytime
bruises and midnight terrors, I left them vulnerable
to a stepmother's affections, ceded my children's
loyalty unfettered by dirty diapers, board games,
or bedtime stories.

Was losing self or losing my children the greater sin?

first published in LONE STARS