What I remember is the throbbing excitement,
the feeling of really living, of being powerfully
alive; but it was an out-of-control river coursing
through my body and soul, floodgates wide open.
I turned a deaf ear to the unspoken needs of my kids
clinging to their disappearing lifeboat in the chaos,
to the awful look of wife's despair at my betrayal.
Oh, that feeling of power! An exponential expansion
of my stuck-in-the-mud horizons. Unleashed currents
of sexual fulfillment! But it was only a cruel mirage
of control over a tedious destiny, only a temporary
lease on new happiness.
I am living today the ensuing ruin: on a ten-year
blacklist as a registered sex offender. I'm now
an electronically-restricted parolee since my release
from prison. Unable to get a job, alienated from
old friends and siblings, I've lost family life and
respectability.
first published in LONE STARS
©2011 Bonnie Manion